Are you my mother?

So I was at CVS today I came across this item featured on the right. I don't know how I feel about seeing a such a personal item on the shelf. Usually I thought determining the paternity of a child was reserved for the courts or Maury Povich.


Either way for $29.99 (plus an additional $111.99 in shipping and lab processing fees) you too can determine if you owe back child support. But before you get ready to find out your true lineage you'll need a DNA sample from the alleged Father and the biological mother. It is is highly recommended you use DNA samples from the biological mother otherwise you run the risk of inconclusive results.

What if the alleged father doesn't want to submit and offer a DNA sample???????
That's easy too, you'd be surprised how much DNA each and everyone of us leaves around the house. When he's not looking see if you can pluck a couple strands of hair from his scalp; if he questions why simply say there was a bug in his hair you were trying to get at. You can easily find hair samples off a comb, brush or razor.

If you can't find a hair sample, just apply a q-tip to the inside of a recently discarded cup. If Fox tv shows and Law and Order Special: Victims Unit have taught me anything is that discarded Starbuck coffee cups are an excellent source of DNA.